Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
