...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
