Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
