i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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