And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
