i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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