i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Mom said you looked used
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
