I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
