Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
