Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
