honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
