How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
