Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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