Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
