I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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