By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
