I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
