I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
