So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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