Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
