I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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