I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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