Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
