Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
