hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
