everyone is single if you try hard enough
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
