Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
