either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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