I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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