i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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