I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
BRING THE BAGELS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
