I'm eating all of the evidence.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
