Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
