After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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