yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
