I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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