I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You made out with two different species that night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
