only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My dad just said "fuck circus"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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