his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
