The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
