i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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