I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
