shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
