I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
