i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
