I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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