nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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