Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
