So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
