Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
