I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
