you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
