Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
