sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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